PROPS big roll of brown paper with a few lines of script then FUCK IT in huge letters. Star Wars screenplay book Out-of-scale Jabba Prop (My First Whale) playing Tufty the Squirrel Chain (Jabba is chained to Leia throughout panto) Velociraptor Masks Punt Paddle CAST Prologue (Tanaqui) Vaughan-Yoda (Jason Stevens) Ballard-Luke Skywalker (Mark Boyes) Green Cross Code Man-Darth Vader Princess Callipers-Leia (Penny Heal) Han Solo-Seagrave Tufty the Jabba the Hutt the Squirrel (etc.) Greek chorus of Stormtroopers ******************************************************************************** [Prol walks away with long strip of brown paper] [Actual prologue given as in book of Star Wars] UNTIL... Prol - Oh, I can't be bothered... Prol - Meanwhile, at an interchange somewhere near Heathrow... The scar's the star ... CHORUS - Everyone loves cars, cars go Crash! [GCC nicking Princess Leia] [brrrm brrm chase scene] Prol - it's a lot more visual than the book GCC- Where is Vaughan? Leia - Who? GCC - What is the stopping distance of a car going at 30 mph? Leia - Depends where the nearest tree is GCC - If you're going on a long journey, what should you pack? Leia - KY jelly, camera, callipers, spare callipers, gentlemen's piercing kit Did I forget the callipers? GCC - What is the maximum speed permitted in a built-up area? Leia - With or without rocket assist? GCC - What does this sign mean? Leia - Faster REPEAT LAST Q&A AD NAUSEAM [running around starts] GCC - I'm not showing you any more signs 'til you behave Leia - Where are we going? GCC - I'm asking the questions!!! You're being taken to the MULTISTOREY... Leia - [gasps] You don't mean...? GCC - Yes! A city centre development with enough parking capacity to satisfy an entire urban area (fnarr) ******************************************************************************** [Ballard at home on Tattooine with Space Hopper] SFX - BOING!! [enter Ballard on Space Hopper] Ball: Gee this Space Hopper's fun, but strangely unsatifying (fnarr) GCC & Leia enter, going brrrm brrrm Leia - Now you rub my nipples up and down against the rear wiper... Ball - Gosh, that woman - she's so attractive and yet so ... bonkers in the nut - I must run out into the middle of the road and rescue her... SFX - acceleration noises [bpph, screech, crunch] [Vaughan runs down Ballard] V - See you there I did not. Stop I probably would not have done anyway Ball - aaaagh V - so, wanna back come and the bodywork hammer out? CHORUS - [bodyform ad. tune] ooooh, bodddddy work...... Ballard - Um, I'd rather rescue the girl. Can you help? V - ah, rescue the girl you want to do? One of these you will need... Ball - uh, what? V - a Lincoln Convertible it is - your father's it was. Less clumsy than the Volvo, no safety cage it has Ball - I've always wanted to become a statistic like my father... Ball - hang on, you knew my father? V - In the Biblical sense know him I did. Bonkers in the nut he was - inherited trait tends it to be, oh yes. Ball - You mean like that strangely attractive yet,[ in style of Vine] hm, nah.. Speaking of she-who-moves-the-plot... V - You are not yet ready ... Drive to Dagobah you must and the car write off ******************************************************************************** [Training on Dagobah] Ball crashes convertible on Vaughan's forecourt V - hmm, total write-off. Potential you have. But indicated you did. Now you must a piggyback to the garage me give. [hands on Ball's shoulders, Ball falls over] Prol. - bit of a feeble metaphor for homosexual intercourse V - Luke can't anyway get it up. Try harder he must. There is no seduce; there is only shag... [Ball tries to do a handstand for rest of scene while V talks] V - If a statistic you want to be, a pervert you must become. Learn the ropes - and the knots - and the uses of callipers V - mirror, signal, manoeuvre, these are the ways of the Dark Side hmm yes Contraceptives, seatbelts - a Jedi craves not these things. These the ways of the Green Cross Code are. Ball - but how am I going to rescue the Princess now the convertible's such a strangely compelling write-off V - You must the dark place known as Halford's confront. You must the dark force of the bicycle tackle and strike it down - at speed. ******************************************************************************* [Halford's] [Ball wanders about a bit] Ball - hmmm, handbrake, crankshaft, Shatner's Bassoon... Ball - Can I buy some condoms here for my not at all incestuous cravings? Prol - this is Halford's, not a chemist's Ball - Can I have a coil for a 1977 Princess then? Hang on, she has two on her head already ... Sorted [Emerges from Halford's, bumps into Solo the Stunt Driver] Ball - What a waste of time. Nicked some Swarfega, though. What now? Solo - Can I be of some assistance? SFX - do the tune for Finsbury Park Prol - It's Han Seagrave... Vaughan [aside] - My chief stuntman. Seagrave - I need to do something hideously illegal anyway to piss off Jabba the Tufty the Squirrel the Hutt SFX - mmmmmwaooooaooaaaahhhhhh Leia [offstage]- I wondered what this thing chained to me was. Ball - Seagrave, hello, hello, the Green Cross Code man has this princess trapped in the big multistorey. Hello, Seagrave? Princess? Seagrave - Leia? Ball - not yet, but I'm working on it. How am I gonna get her out? Seagrave: Leave it to me. But it'll cost you. Ball - hffff, sounds expensive Seagrave - it'll be a 25 stitches job... Ball - let's go... what is that heap of junk you're driving? Seagrave - that "Court - in - a" --- [laboured Cortina joke ahoy] Ball [interrupts] - not yet, as I said Seagrave - --with extra trim and a few minor mods of my own did the Kessel run round the M25 in under two boxes of Kleenex SFX - brrrm, brrrm, erk ******************************************************************************** [GCC is lecturing] GCC - Witness the power of this fully operational pelican crossing GCC What a nice glowy green man that is... looks a bit like, [Vine style] hmmm, nah GCC With one press of this button, we can bring the cars to a complete halt in a safe and measured manner... this is only one of the many nice dull traffic calming measures we have developed... sleeping policemen, speed cameras, 20 mph limits in residential areas... and whole armies of traffic wardens CHORUS - [singing] that's us, that is ooooh, bodddddddy couuunt... GCC - who can't manage to book anyone, cos the Rebels don't ever slow down, let alone stop. GCC [turns to Leia] - But I have a cunning plan... When your friends get around to rescuing you instead of hanging about in Halford's and on Dagobah, I press this button and... Leia - [gasp] GCC - The lights are red... and your friends are forced to decelerate in a sane and sensible manner!!!!!!!!! Leia - You slag! You clamp cars!! [etc.] GCC - bwa ha ha. Soon there will be only pedestrians and cyclists and my childhood licking stains off old Cortinas on Tattooine for that pervert Obi-Wan will be excised forever. Prol - And so, posing as traffic wardens, Solo and Luke penetrate the defences of the Bureau of Better Driving - Nice Dept. The rest of the Rebel fleet, meanwhile, get stuck in the one-way system where the Bureau's minions require the exact change for the Park And Ride. Leia - Aren't you a bit small for a traffic warden? Ball - So it's rumoured. [Vic style] Oh, no, what have I said? er, no, um, ah - actually, they call me parking meter. GCC - what, cyclists use your butt cleavage for parking? Ball - um, no, ah, anyway, Han's vehicle is parked outside on a double yellow - you wanna be rescued or not? We could use the scenic route - there's a very nice car crusher out back ... GCC - A double yellow? [clutches chest] Surely not obstructing a cycle path? [falls over very theatrically] [staggers to feet] GCC - You will pay for your insolence [picks up a punt paddle] Ball - Leia, give me one of your callipers [Ball hits GCC; GCC falls over, dying] GCC - anyway, you can't have her, she's your sister Ball - Does it count as incest if I only shag her crash wound? Please? I nicked a load of Swarfega as lube, and all Leia - that's OK, it hasn't healed up yet... hang on, what do you mean he's my bruv? GCC - cos I am your father!!! Prol - What are the chances of that 'appening, eh? Ball - You never let me borrow the family car. Or give me any Xmas presents, for that matter. GCC - hmm, does that mean I can't do the "I have felt your Presents" joke, then? Ball - no, it's rubbish. C'mon Sis... darling... hobble this way... [Leia falls over] Ball - oops, sorry, here's your calliper back - I was just having such a nice time holding it [GCC dies] CHORUS - woooo, boddddy baaags, boddy baggs for yoooouuuuu Leia - you came in that thing? You're more perverted than I thought! Now blow that clamp so we can all go home... Leia - ah, come to that, shouldn't we have blown up that multistorey? Ball - maybe next time... maybe next time... [exeunt Ball & Leia] [Stormtroopers become velociraptors] CHORUS - and if you want to see people being hurt by dinosaurs a little bit with no perversion and the sequels not being delayed a decade or so... try the Lost World, featuring - oh, that's us, that is... [Crash song to close] Crash: The Song [To "Summer Holiday"] We're all taking driving lessons, No more bonking for a week or two, Oh those handbrakes and gear levers Come between us two What shall we do? We'll go to the garage twice nightly: We're going to get an M.O.T. The back seat's slightly stained now, But that's not due to me... Don't go crashing without a condom on - You might get something if you hit a tree, Always wear a rubber safety belt: It's more fun, you see For you & me. We're going to pump up our tyres, We're going to sound our horn. You know you're in a Ballard When "What Car?" looks like porn. We like driving 'cause we get our kicks from it, Tyre blowouts really make me come; Let me tell you 'bout my favourite accident - It involved my mum And a stallion. I'm going to go abroad this summer I want to try a left-hand drive I wish Club 18-30 Were Club M25...